I know it's been some time and a lot has gone on since the last post (LOTS of work travel, new apartment, PLENTY of fab events). So, I have a ton of posts that I need to get up and out.
This has definitely become an open entry into my life and the things I do and think. Nothing really profound in this particular, more of a kick in the butt for me to start writing again. My gay husband said something to me recently that open my eyes to a realization. He said "you seem real centered now". I now that doesn't really mean a lot, but it really scared the shit outta me. The fear that lies within me is when you are at peace, what comes next. It's the "what comes next" part that terrifies me. For some odd reason, I just can't envision life past peace. And maybe that's my problem, I envision peace as a short term feeling/thought/emotion etc. Now, I've never been a chaotic person (at least I don't think, you'll have to ask all my exes about that), but to be at peace, is chaos to come next? or nothing?
Life is honestly really good right now. Good with family, good with friends, getting better day by day in my relationship with God, so my confusion lies as to why I'm not doing backflips in excitement. You know, I was talking to Awesome Guy (I really need to change his name) and he said something to the effect of "I can dream big now". And as I pondered on that statement, I realized I've never truly "dreamed big". Now, here's the difference, I knew I would do amazing things, but they've all just kinda fell in my lap or just happen. My entire life has been "ok, I'm going to do...." and then I do it and it just happens. Never truly encountered an obstacle. Not saying that I want to encounter an obstacle (or is that what I'm saying, too early to confuse myself), but I've never dreamed of doing something that just seemed out of this world. Maybe that's the problem, I don't dream, I just do and maybe that minimizes my current and future goals.
I don't know. I'm sure today is just a debbie downer type day and tomorrow I'll be "Miss Assurance" again. Either way, I am glad I did this post out. Maybe now my butt will start writing again.
Leave with one of fave quotes:
"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do" - Epictetus
Hell, maybe I just need a hug
****if you can't tell, I really like cats (I know, totally weird)
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